I’m so over being shy, it’s been a real hamper to me. I tend to find people very overwhelming, and because of the way I look and/or carry myself, I’m not sure exactly which it is, people tend to assume I am not shy and expect me to be all loud and outgoing and whatnot. Some days I can’t even look at other people, I just lower my eyes when I pass them and scurry by…because it seems like if I meet their gaze, they’ll say hello. if I say hello back, they’ll want a conversation. If I conversate, next thing I know they’ll be all trying to touch my hair or touching my clothes (I make a lot of my clothes) or getting in my face and wanting to be my new best friend or something. It creeps me out. I seriously need to learn how to express/show by body language what my boundaries are. I just don’t see other people having these kinds of interactions or triggering this kind of attention. I want to be a friendly person but it’s like I am afraid to be/show that because of how weird people act towards me.

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

It’s ok to need somebody. It’s human…we aren’t crocodiles or houseflies, we are people, and highly social creatures. We need intimacy and dependence on other people in our lives; that closeness and bonding with other people.

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

I am just so thrilled to be alive. I have so much to be thankful for; family, love, health, money (well I could use more money), so so much, but I am also grateful for my resilient and inquisitive spirit. There is so much to do and see and learn about. I am never bored, I always have something interesting to do and/or think about. I am thankful for that, my zest in life.

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

“People begin to be successful the minute they decide to be”
~Harvey Mackay columnist, author, business motivational speaker

Are you waiting to improve your life? If so, why? What’s holding you back?

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

I am just so thrilled to be alive. I have so much to be thankful for; family, love, health, money (well I could use more money), so so much, but I am also grateful for my resilient and inquisitive spirit. There is so much to do and see and learn about. I am never bored, I always have something interesting to do and/or think about. I am thankful for that, my zest in life.

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

Sitting under one of my favorite trees in the back yard fills me with peace…

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

I have problems like everybody else but I choose to look on the positive side of things. Life is good

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

failing the acid test

A new online acquaintance wrote a compelling blog post a while back about failing the acid test. This means, are you there for your friends through thick and thin? Are you supportive during bad times as well as being around during good times?

Sadly for me the answer is no. I’m barely there for good times. but let me explain about the bad times. I have a tenuous grasp on my own well-being, after having suffered/endured/survived what was an often chaotic, sometimes horrific, and frequently filled-with-filth childhood. Young adulthood was little better, including such events as domestic violence, stranger and relationship rape, poverty, and severe depression. By age 23 I’d had enough and began to build a stable life for myself. long story short! reason why I so frequently fail the acid test with friends and family is that their despair, whatever pain they are going through, often makes me feel right back there during my dark times of pain and confusion, both in childhood and young adulthood. I panic, literally panic at being confronted with their pain.

I really dislike this about myself. It makes me withhold myself in friendships…like I’m barely there for the good times, in large part because I don’t want to be relied upon, called for help, etc during the bad times. or any time, really. I have missed the birth of 2 children! from two very close friends! because of this. I barely made it to the funeral of a good friend’s boyfriend! I hung up on another friend who called me from the emergency room, right before she got sent to the psych ward! that one I just could not do, I could not physically go there (part of my childhood trauma included crazy siblings, one of whom tried to kill me when I was 8). Which she knew about and understood even in the midst of her breakdown, but I at least could have talked to her, you know?

I rarely call my friends and even rarer call them back when they call me. I hardly email. When a friend does actually get me on the phone, they keep me on forever because they know they won’t get to talk to me for awhile. I write letters to friends and forget to mail them. I just found letters for people I wrote 2 weeks ago! underneath the seat in my car. I do this all the time, it’s so crazy! I invite people over then forget I invited them, then act all cold and weird when they show up. I start fights sometimes about nothing. I ignore my friends sometimes when they talk. I act all weird when I meet their other friends. I’ll make plans to go somewhere with them/meet them somewhere then not show up. If I do show up, I’m either very late or leave early. I am such a crappy friend!

In spite of all this I have been blessed, so very blessed to have good friends in my life. People who love me, support me, and care about me. Who listen to me during my bad times, who are there for me whenever I need a shoulder to cry on. When I think about how I have treated my friends so poorly, I feel so ashamed. I don’t deserve friends like these.

I know a large part of my issues with friends is tied to my childhood, my family. Many in my family are still stuck in absolutely terrible ways of interacting with each other…in my family, ‘being there’ for each other means using each other and allowing oneself to be used. They will suck you dry, use you up entirely and expect to come back for more, stomp you flat. Then hug you and tell you how great being supportive of family is. I know none of my friends are like this, but a part of me freezes at the thought of ‘the acid test’. I keep failing at being a good friend but to me that’s preferable to being a used friend who lets people stomp all over her.

I am about to start therapy (I have had therapy in the past for depression, rape issues etc but obviously still have other issues) for this and other stuff and though I’m very fearful, I am excited and glad for myself that I am making this step. I’m giving myself a silent cheer. Already it’s helped…I re-wrote and mailed those letters off and I called a friend. I feel…on my way.

(There are some other things going on but a big part of what prompted me to deal with this is that my very best friend is pregnant now. She has 2 children, one of whom died. My life has been changed in fundamental ways from knowing her and being blessed by her friendship and her support, and of learning from how she survived her child’s death and the subsequent depression. She is a wonderful, beautiful human being. I cannot, will not flake on her, I have to be there for her. I would never forgive myself if I did.)

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

I just got back from Maine this past Sunday, where we spent 9 days. It was exactly what I needed. I feel so much better, just energized all over. I love this pic, it captures how inspired the beauty and serenity of Maine made me feel.
We got caught in a storm, but afterward the sky was beautiful

Leaving Maine…I was kind of sad to leave, but felt so refreshed from the vacation I was eager to get home, get back to work and make things happen!

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

Thinking about my past suffering with winter depression. It’s now mid-summer and seems so far away. The hard light of the summer sun recharges me like a battery. I forget in winter how bleak sunlight will seem.

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

I don’t fit in, but I tend to make friends wherever I go, anyway. As quirky and original as I think I am, there is always someone else who I have something in common with. This past year I have also worked on getting to know people instead of dismissing folks outright as being too ‘traditional’ or ‘lame’ or whatever to hang out with me. Most of the time people really are how they present themselves to be, but sometimes I am pleasantly surprised. I’ve made 3 good new friends who are close to where I live. I still don’t fit in exactly anywhere and most people think I’m just way out in left field, including my friends and family, but that’s ok…I can be who I am and still make meaningful connections with other people.

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

I think that human beings turning within and focusing on the advancement of the mind and soul is less dangerous and less scary than the current output of scientific advancement. I say this because I don’t think it’s possible to truly, really, turn within your mind and soul and then cause harm to others. It’s like, if you start exercising and eating just what you need, it’s almost impossible to be obese. Or if you clean your house everyday, it’s almost impossible for it to be filthy. I think that when human beings make a choice as a species, or maybe it will just happen naturally as we evolve, to focus on the mind and soul as ways of understanding or controlling reality and less on science, we will choose to cause little to no harm to ourselves individually and to others using such tools as science. I think this is a direct outcome.

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

In my journey to become a positive and proactive emotionally sound person I have, on a subconscious level, often deliberately sabotaged myself and put stumbling blocks in my own way when trying to make progress on goals I have set for myself. I am coming to understand why I do these things and what I can do to make the necessary changes within my psyche so that all of me is focused and supportive of my personal development. Sometimes it feels like I am fighting against myself. But I am getting there, despite myself. I am changing, growing, and improving bit by bit, day by day.

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

For every nine people who denounce innovation, only one will encourage it. For every nine people who do things they way they have always been done, only one will ever wonder if there is a better way. For every nine people who stand in line in front of a locked building, only one will ever come around and check the back door. Our progress as a species rests squarely on the shoulders of that tenth person. The nine are satisfied with the things they are told are valuable. Person 10 determines for himself what has value.

Za Rinpoche and Ashley Nebelsieck in the Backdoor to Enlightenment (Three Leaves)

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

The main problem with communication I have is I am not psychic like most people.

LOL!

Seriously, some people talk to me like I really know what they are thinking & they really know what I am thinking. I’m like, huh? I used to think this was just my family, friends, husband, and kids, but nope, apparently the entire human race is psychic except for me, ha.

The next problem I have with communication is that when I ask for clarification, often people take query as a challenge or a confrontation. This is especially true online. Face-to-face talking is often easier for this reason; because people can see I am genuinely asking, not trying to challenge or confront them.

Lately I have been prefacing questions with something rather than directly asking. For example I might say, I am not sure I understand; what do you mean? rather than just What do you mean? Sometimes that helps. Overall I try to clearly express my ideas rather than assume that the other person just ‘gets it’.

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

When people respond to me with things I did not say, it’s good reminder for me to pay attention to my own listening skills.

The clearer I express my ideas aligned with my intention, this increases likelihood that others understand what I am trying to say.

I also need to remind myself I am not psychic. If I feel confused about something someone says to me, I should ASK for clarification rather than assume

In this way I learn & experience less friction when talking with others

Yes, sometimes attempts at clarification are rebuffed. Still, one must try. it is never a mistake to try

Originally posted to my twitter. Follow me for positive tweets throughout the day

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

I like my smile. I am looking forward to a positive season of renewal and growth. Happy Spring!

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

I am sure you’ve heard about the British Airways jet that crash-landed short of the runway at London Heathrow this past Thursday, January 17th. Everyone survived the crash, and only 19 people were hurt. I have been watching and reading with much interest the news reports on this, and have been appalled at the ho-hum response to this miraculous event by many news outlets. My local paper had a small article on it on the back page. Back page! This should be front page news!

If those 19 people who got hurt were killed, it would have been splashed all over front page. But no, nobody died, so this sick culture that glorifies death & misery ignores it. This was a miracle! This culture embraces death, glorifies it, revels in it. I feel that ignoring relevance of Heathrow crash is a rejection of LIFE. And it’s a deliberate turning away from…goodness, and joy, and happiness. Heathrow crash with all survivors is a beautiful thing.

I should be used to it by now living in this world but I’m appalled by yet another sign of how very sick ‘modern’ American culture is. This is a wonderful, wonderful event. I wish this culture celebrated great events with as much intensity as tragic ones. The crash news is fantastic and should be a celebration of life, and joy. What amazing, wonderful news. It’s a great reminder to me that life is so brief and fleeting. I find it such a gift to experience it. This time I have to be alive means something! I embrace my life, my time. Do you?

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

This site is very interesting:

Welcome to TheTransitioner.org, the site of Collective Intelligence, Wisdom and Consciousness

TheTransitioner is an international network of researchers, social entrepreneurs, spiritual explorers, visionaries, writers, leaders, scientists, technical and software engineers who work on Collective Intelligence, Wisdom and Consciousness (CIWC). This is a wiki, i.e. a participative website built by its visitors. Everyone can register or login and participate.
thetransitioner.org

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

I don’t know why I have been so blessed to know my best friend. I love her; she is awesome. I have been incredibly blessed by her friendship, kindness, patience, & humor.

She is a big reason why I’m so positive and focused on personal growth. She had a son who died.

Before I met her I didn’t know a mother could survive this. I honestly thought if my kids died, I would die. That my heart would just stop.

She has shown me that you can survive horrible, unthinkable tragedy and move forward. She has a happy life now and is a good mother to her other son.

She stays focused on striving toward the future and embraces life and love.

She has shown me that happiness is a choice and to focus on the present & the future, not the past. I admire her so, so much. She helped me.

By the example of her life she helped me to get over my own grief at various past bad happenings, to keep it moving. To pull myself off the floor, to stand up and LIVE

She is the kind of person who is a shining example of resiliency of the human spirit.

She is a good person, through and through, with a good heart and good spirit. I am deeply humbled and thankful to have her in my life. She is a wonderful person and friend.

Originally posted to my Twitter. You can follow me for positive updates throughout the day

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

When I found myself a few years ago so wrapped up in my online friendships with people I had never met, I realized something was wrong if I couldn’t make one single off-line friend in my area. I had friends but they were people I knew years and years; I didn’t have any new friends. I spent a lot of time blaming other people, outside forces, whatever, on my inability to make new friends.

Why are new friends so important? The ability to forge new ties not only broadens your social world, it broadens your mental world because you are exposed to different ideas. It is easy to get stuck in a rut with old friendships; with relating to people you have known for a long time. When you make new friends this helps you to expand and improve on your old friendships because you will be triggered to share things you encounter from new friends, including ideas, food, music, and more.

In the end I realized I just wasn’t putting forth the effort to make friends. When I did it opened up a whole new world for me. Now at times I still feel a little isolated, but I have friends who live close to me now and I know I have the confidence to make friends. That’s something I didn’t have before. There are a lot of interesting and cool folks out there who never or rarely go online that I have met and befriended.

Friends are important to have! How do you make new friends?

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

The best tip I read about how to become an early riser was on Steve Pavlina’s blog. He wrote that as soon as your alarm goes off, get up immediately and start moving. This is great advice! In my experience, when I hesitate for just a moment, forget about it, I’ll go back to sleep or lay there snoozing. If you want to start getting up early, basically you just have to do it.

Why would you want to get up early? Well I find that I am more productive when I get up early, and I sleep better. When I get up early I don’t have rushed mornings. I find that I am able to complete my plans for the day, and I am able to have time for myself. It’s been a big help for me especially in becoming a positive person, because I feel I have more time and thus less pressure on myself to get things done. This alone improved my attitude and willingness to embrace happiness.

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

This is a big stumbling block for me. I’ve been through various iterations of thinking I was better than other people. I still do sometimes, truth be told.

Why? sometimes I feel smarter. Sometimes I feel thinner. Sometimes I feel kinder. Sometimes I feel…whatever. So what? Intelligence means nothing if you don’t realize that any of that is meaningless. You are not better than other people!

I am not better than other people!

One of my positivity goals for 2008 is to grasp the validity of inherent humanity in other people. How am I going to do this? Stay tuned.

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!