I remember when I was a little girl the big thing to do to instill pride in being African-American in black children was to tell them ‘We came from kings and queens in Africa’ and to extol the virtues of ancient African kingdoms. While I can sort of see the logic in doing this, I also think it is somewhat irrelevant and keeps black Americans focused on the past instead of what we’re doing in the here and now. Also what we need to be doing to improve things in the future. After all, what is the point of telling a black child about how glorious and magnificent many African cultures used to be, when that same child can turn on the TV and see that those same cultures are now in shambles and can barely feed their own people. Lest you think I am suggesting that we shouldn’t feel pride in the many, many accomplishments of our people (including originating civilization), let me state clearly that is not what I mean. I mean we need to feel pride and respect for our culture(s) in the here and now, and pride and respect for ALL that we have accomplished. It is just as important and meaningful to be a descendant of a slave as it is to be a descendant of a king. Why? Because living through and surviving slavery with nothing but the hope of a better future for your descendants is a tremendous achievement. Our ancestors survived, and that is something to be proud of.

1. Learn your history. Learn about who your people are. Read about slavery and how we survived it, how we often escaped it, and how we fought for freedom. You can also learn about where most American slaves came from in Africa and learn about those cultures. You may also be able to trace your actual family, which I was surprised to learn. Slaves were considered property and information on them was often recorded. Black people in the United States have also contributed an enormous amount to the development and greatness of this country. When you consider that we are only 13% of the population (and that’s our population density now, not in the past) you will see that our contributions as Americans is all out of proportion compared to other ethnicities in the states. Now that is something to be proud of!

2. Learn the history of other cultures. I think that because we are forced to learn American history from a slanted, racist point of view and often the history of european cultures as well when we are in school that many of us resist the idea of learning anything more about other cultures. This is fair, but consider that there are many other cultures in the world. Pick one or a few and read up on them. You may be surprised how this has an impact on you and can strengthen your respect for your own culture. Why? because when you learn about other cultures you will discover that other cultures have had negative things happen to them too. You will discover that people are people and no other culture is superior to another.

3. Focus on the future. When considering black people, what kind of future do you imagine for black people? What kind of hope do you have for our people in the United States? Worldwide? How can you be a part of changing things for us? When considering things individually, what kind of future do you want for yourself? Do you feel confident in making plans for your future? If not, why? Answering these questions can help clarify your feelings on this subject. When you feel confident and powerful about directing your life instead of being a passive victim of racism, it intensifies your feelings of pride in yourself as a black person.

4. Turn away from the negative.There are a lot of negative things in the media being perpetrated in the name of black culture. Drug dealing, gangster rap, broken families, glorification of incarceration, and more. You don’t have to embrace these things because so many other black people are. These are not things that originated in our culture; they are things that happened as a result of living in a racist culture bent on destroying black people. I sometimes get the impression from other black people that they embrace these things because they feel that these are the only way racist white people will ‘allow’ us to live, or the only way to be ‘keep it real’ and be authentic black people. Hogwash!

5. Focus on the positive. There are so many positive things happening in our culture, why not choose to focus on the positive? And it’s ok to be happy, so why not choose to focus on the positive things happening in your own life? Take note of positive things happening to other black people, and try to feel genuine joy for them. When you feel overwhelmed at how racist the culture is in the United States, try to focus on the many positive social changes that have occured due to so many black people just like yourself who put themselves out there to improve things for us all.

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

Let me warn you in advance I’m about to put one of our myths and cultural beliefs on front street and blast it away.

It’s the STRONG BLACK WOMAN myth.

Yes I am shouting, because yes I feel that strongly about it. You hear black woman all the time go on and on about how they are ‘strong black women’ and raising their daughters to be ‘strong black women’, as if that’s something to be proud of.

IT’S NOT.

Because being a ‘strong black woman’ means you put up with and ‘survive’ a whole lot of crazy, awful, disturbing and often disgusting bull. As a black woman who is definitely not strong, I can tell you that whole strong black woman stuff is a myth that causes untold misery and self-inflicted oppression to black women. All because we are raised to think this is how we are, and our culture, our very survival rests on it.

It’s ok to not be a strong black woman; to not be able to take all the abuse the world heaps on us and keep on trucking along and it’s ok to not want to be strong enough to take it and deal with it. It’s ok to be a black woman who needs people, who needs a man to help raise children, who needs a partner/significant other, who needs close friends and family for support just like any other person.

That whole ‘strong black woman’ mess aggravates my nerves. From what I see it just means black women are expected by black culture to be alone and struggle terribly and not need other people, especially men and especially in raising our children. It’s a deeply entrenched idea in African-American culture that hurts us all. It devalues our very humanity, in my opinion, as well as our femininity.

Never thought that being a strong black woman was in any way negative? Think about it, when have you ever heard it used to describe a positive situation a black woman was in? Any time I hear it, it’s in reference to being poor, or being a single mom, or experiencing racism, or overcoming getting beat up or raped or something else tragic. We black women are just supposed to be able to walk off any old shoddy treatment and hold it together, because we are so ‘strong’.

Not me. I will gladly take being called weak because you know what? Trying to be a strong black woman when I was young and believing that mess nearly made me lose my mind. Call me a weak black woman, I don’t care. Call me needy, and I will tell you that’s right. I am needy, I’m a human being!

I need a man
I need a partner to help me raise my kids
I need friends
I need emotional support
I need closeness
I need tenderness
I need to be treated with respect
I need to be treated with kindness
I need a shoulder to cry on
I need warm smiles and soft touches
I need so very much

And guess what…I have what I need. Do you? Take the strong black woman cape off because you are not superman and you really cannot fly. You are nobody’s workhorse or drudge and you can have the love and friendship community you need, want, and crave. I think so many black women hold onto this idea because we think if we let it go, and allow ourselves to be vulnerable, there will be nobody and nothing there and we will get hurt. But aren’t you getting hurt living the strong black woman myth now? In your self-imposed isolation denying that you need regular human contact, love and partnership, aren’t you hurting, and alone? When you go to an early grave because of hypertension or other stress-related disorders because you ran yourself ragged trying to prove how ‘strong’ you really are, who will you be helping? Who will you be showing? The world? The same world that supposedly does not care about you and that you supposedly don’t need?

You can choose to let this myth go. Breathe deep, and let it go. Set it down gently…then kick it in the gutter.

There, you feel better already, right?

Here’s more on this, thank god I am not the only one who feels this way:
The Myth of the Strong Black Woman
Black Women’s Mythology Revisited or “Loving my Inner Conwoman”
Christian Thoughts: The Myth of the Strong Black Woman
Critique on Saints, Sinners, Saviors: Strong Black Women in African American Literature
Deconstructing the myth of the Strong Black Woman

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

The majority of black children in the United States are being born to and raised by single mothers, most of whom are doing the best they can. But children need their fathers just as much as their mothers, especially boys. A lot of the young men out here today wildin’ out and joining gangs and all that never had a father, a man in the house when they were growing up. Men provide valuable input into their children’s lives…without it boys are pretty much left to raise themselves into men, in my opinion, because a woman cannot be a father. Black children need their fathers just as much as any other group of children.

I think once the majority of black American children have an involved, loving and caring father in their life there will be a decrease in black on black crime.

Someone once asked me:
I agree with that to a point but what do you do if the fathers are still acting like children? And the mothers for that matter? How can a Father teach his sons to be men when they still haven’t begun to master the art themselves?

My answer is that I do not think most black men act like children and I also think credit needs to be given where credit is due. Some guy who’s say, 30, who is still conducting his life in a childish manner, is still a man who made it 30 years as a black man in this country and has that info and experience to share with his children. That speaks volumes to me, because black men are under a pressure cooker out here. And a childish and immature man isn’t a lost cause, he is still dynamic human being capable of change, capable of handling love and responsibility. I also think that if a woman makes a decision to have children by an immature man then she should be willing to own up to that. If she’s also childish and immature, she’s got to grow up, too. Heck, I was immature on varying levels when I had all my kids, truth be told, very silly and immature. But I had more tacit societal and family approval to have my kids live with me and to become an involved, loving, and caring mom than I would have had I been a black male under the same conditions. I didn’t begin to ‘mature’ emotionally until I was 23 I would say, and didn’t really ‘act’ grown until I was around 26. But I had my three children by the time I was 25. If I could change and grow up and become a responsible, caring, involved parent anybody can.

I just can’t see being pessimistic about this because this is our future we are talking about, the next generation of black people. I think black women have got to raise the bar and start expecting more from black men as fathers as well as from themselves as potential mothers. My daughter is 18 and hasn’t seen her natural dad since she was 3. It might happen that he will get it together to be a part of her life someday. My oldest son is 12 and though I have always told his dad he could see him any time, it’s only recently that his natural father reached out and expressed any interest in him even though he’s paid child support for many years. I could be salty but this man is his father and my son needs him. I could be salty at either of these men but I also have responsibility because I chose to have children with men who gave me plenty of indications from the beginning that they were not good father material. I am married to the father of my third child, my youngest son, and the security he has in always having had his natural father has given him a confidence in life from jump we have had to consistently nurture in my other children.

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

I once had an online conversation with a man who did not feel rape was an act of sexism, even though most rapes are committed by men against women. He said that men who rape are just sick in the head and it had nothing to do with sexism. I told him this:

Perhaps if you consider it racially you might understand this viewpoint. Look at the lynching or tarring and feathering of black men and how it was a de facto sport at one time in America. One might argue that these weren’t racist white people who committed these acts but sick, devilish people, and that is true (because you have to be sick in the head to actually pour hot tar on somebody or hang them just for fun) but it is also true that these acts were encouraged and supported because the victims in question were black. Racist acts of physical violence including murder are supported in a culture where people are discriminated against because of the color of their skin. It’s like that with rape/sexual assault. One might argue that these weren’t sexist men doing this but sick, devilish people, and that is true (because you have to be sick in the head to sexually assault anybody) but it is also true that acts of sexual assault including rape are supported in a system where people are discriminated against based on their sex.

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

Short answer: No.

Long answer: Institutional racism is a large problem, particularly in urban or rural public schools. Black children in such schools usually come from families that are poor, so better options for education such as private schools or moving to a better area are not open to them. So they are not getting an education equal to the education their suburban counterparts are getting.

I think just this alone means that the black poor or working class experiences more racism than the black middle class. When you are not educated or you have been under-educated and that wipes out a lot of opportunity for you. The black middle class (even though we also experience racism) because of education we know how to ‘get along’ for the most part. By this I mean we can get and work at professional jobs, stuff like that. I have had jobs with black co-workers who for the first time worked in a professional setting and could not deal with it. Members of the black middle and ‘upper’ classes can always move to another suburb or find another job or business opportunity. I’m not saying it is easy to do those things, but the black middle class is not going to upset the social order by doing these things since they actually benefit from it.

The black middle-class is also running away from problems that affect the black working class. I myself am a part of this. I moved out of the city of Cleveland seven years ago because of the schools. I panicked because it was time for my oldest son to go to kindergarten and he got wait-listed for 3 private schools; time was running out. I couldn’t even see putting my baby into a school system that treated black boys as either future criminals at worst or future basketball players at best. I was so very frightened, and we were so broke from my daughter already being in a private school, we just ran out of Cleveland and into a suburb. Seven years later I know I wouldn’t do any different, for truth. I wish I could say I would. I wish I was not part of the problem.

I have also quit or walked away from ‘good’ jobs just ’cause I didn’t like the job or company…because I knew I could always get another job. Until folks get to know my politics/DIY attitude/whatever I seem non-threatening to most people of any color. I speak and read standard English, I know how to dress nice for a job, I have good manners and good body language. Sometimes working-class black folks get the shaft just on simple things like that.

I have worked with black co-workers who for the first time had an office job or were in a situation of working with computers for the first time. They exhibited this apprehension with working with white people and/or technology. I even had a black boss once who got transferred from a store where she managed just black people to one with a mixed employee base…she bent over backwards to accommodate her white subordinates and treated them with deference while being very nasty to her black subordinates. On the black co-workers I’ve had who struggled with their first office job, they were very fearful or hesitant to make mistakes in front of white people, to the point where they would pretend to know stuff rather than just ask and really learn the job. Racist white folks quickly figured this out this and so provided inadequate training or would just let them mess up so they’d have have an excuse to fire them. I tried to alert them and help out, but a lot of the time they had psyched themselves out so much that they couldn’t make it; they just wouldn’t try.

One time I had this job where they gave snazzy holiday parties, and this one woman who was up for promotion didn’t know how to eat in public. She stuck her elbows all out and licked all over her fingers. She smacked her food and stuff. She didn’t get the promotion and blamed it on racism. If she were white some other white person probably would have schooled her on that beforehand or took her aside during the party and told her to watch her table manners, but since she was black all the white managers just looked at her like she was crazy. I tried to talk to her when we were in the bathroom but she thought I was after her promotion and told me not be a hater.
*shrug*

I’m tired of shrugging. What can I do? What can we do, as a people? What are your suggestions?

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

I have been a fan of don Miguel Ruiz for a long time. One book he wrote is The Four Agreements and it gives you 4 very powerful tactics for relating to other people. I have found it to be very helpful for me as I grow and develop as a person. don Miguel Ruiz is a wonderful person whose words have had a tremendous impact on my consciousness. I am not saying any of these things are easy to do…on the contrary I struggle all the time with doing these things. But just trying to live my life by the four agreements, even when I fall short, has improved my life in a profound way. Trying to live by them has eased my suffering and sensitivity to life and other people enormously, in particular to being a black person.

From the book:
“Everything we do is based on agreements we have made – agreements with ourselves, with other people, with God, with life. But the most important agreements are the ones we make with ourselves. In these agreements we tell ourselves who we are, how to behave, what is possible, what is impossible. One single agreement is not such a problem, but we have many agreements that come from fear, deplete our energy, and diminish our self-worth.”

“In these agreements we tell ourselves who we are, how to behave, what is possible, what is impossible.”

In this powerful book that has remained on The New York Times Bestseller List for over five years, don Miguel reveals the source of self-limiting beliefs that rob us of joy and create needless suffering. When we are ready to change these agreements, there are four deceptively simple, yet powerful agreements that we can adopt as guiding principles. The Four Agreements offer a powerful code of conduct that can rapidly transform our lives to a new experience of freedom, true happiness, and love.

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
This is very important within the black experience because we spend so much time tearing each other down and using our words to demean ourselves and other black people. For example look at how some rap artists use negative words to portray themselves and other black people. They say they really don’t think all black women are whores, or that they really don’t want to kill other black men. Yet these are the words they use to express themselves about their people. If they chose to be impeccable with their word, they would not use their words to put themselves or anybody else down.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
This is so true. In our culture particularly there is a predominating over-sensitivity to the words of others. We have young people killing each other over words, and entire black families who cannot communicate effectively with each other. You cannot control what anybody else says or does, so why take what they say so personally that you allow it to destroy your self esteem or ruin your day? When someone says something negative to you, you can choose to not let it get to you.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
This is perhaps the single most important agreement to follow as a black person. While we all know racism does exist and manifests itself in a myriad of ways, we also know there are times when we assume an action or comment from a non-black person is racist. It may be, but unless it is a serious comment or action, ask yourself if it’s worth your while to assume every little negative comment or action from a non-black person is about you being black. For example, I saw a black woman going off at a gas station clerk for not turning on the gas pump from the inside so she could pump her gas. She assumed the white clerk thought she wouldn’t pay or didn’t have a credit card and so was forcing her to come into the station. This wasn’t the case, actually the pump handle was recently broken. The store was very busy and the clerk was overwhelmed and did not have time yet to go put up a sign on that pump informing people. Had the woman not assumed the clerk was a racist, she could have saved herself from getting all worked up and also stopped herself from looking foolish.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.
There was a time in African American culture when doing our best was a hallmark of our culture. Now it seems as if it’s an after-thought. And when questioned on this, the first thing we do is blame racism. Do not allow racism to control your thoughts and actions. Do not allow racism to define you; to tell you who you are and what you are capable of. You have it in you to do your best; you can indeed strive for perfection. While perfection is an unobtainable goal, working towards it can produce stellar results. If we all do this individually, collectively we will improve things for black people as a whole.
http://www.miguelruiz.com/fouragreements.html

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!