A huge sign that you are in an abusive relationship is that the person abusing you tries to isolate you. This is usually before any physical violence has started, but not always. In my case it was before he started hitting me. Why didn’t I see this as a sign or at the very least, why didn’t I think this was crazy or odd for him to twig out whenever I wanted to spend time with my family and friends? Hmmmmmm…I remember thinking that he must really love me to want to spend so much time with me. Before he got physically violent and just flat-out forbade me from seeing my family and friends, he would try to convince me from seeing or talking to them by putting them down and/or telling me that they didn’t really like me or care about me. I remember thinking that he must really care about me to be so watchful and concerned with how other people viewed me and treated me. In some cases he wasn’t far off or even being irrational; one of my friends at the time had ‘stolen’ two boyfriends from me before and some members of my family did disrespect me and talk bad about me. My parents had not done a good job at keeping me safe while growing up. But rather than encourage me to develop healthy relationships with any of these people or develop decent personal boundaries for myself, he amplified the sense of paranoia and personal shame I felt about myself to suit his own ends of making me a possession.

The isolation intensified after he got physically violent. Then the violence intensified the more and more isolated from other people I got. If he could not or would not go anywhere with me, I wasn’t allowed to go. At the end the only place I was allowed to go by myself was to my part-time job, and that was only because he took my pay so it was like free money for him. One time my mother was in the hospital and he refused to let me go by myself. First he didn’t believe she was really in the hospital, then he didn’t believe I would go to the hospital; I’d sneak off somewhere else to be with some other man. Then he believed if I did go I would start talking to some man at the hospital. He had a great fear of me talking to men, even a doctor in a hospital about my mother’s condition. Because he saw me as a thing he owned, because he could do whatever he wanted to me without any repercussions, because he saw I had no control at all in my ‘relationship’ with him, he felt I had no control of myself period, with anybody. He would say that often; that any man could come up to me and say anything and I’d go off and have sex with them. He had no trust or belief in me whatsoever and would say the most terrible things about me, over and over.

I really think the job I had at the time helped save my sanity, because it was the only place I had to go where he could not come in and run me down. I would go to work and pretend like I had a normal life. I could talk to other people who didn’t seem to think I was this ugly, disgusting, horrible, nasty, slutty creature. This animal who deserved to be spit on and beaten and locked away. Then I’d go home to him and hear this and worse, for hours sometimes.

If you are going through this you know exactly what I mean…probably nothing I can say will help you see that what he says is not true. You will have to break free of the isolation you have allowed someone else to put you in. You can set yourself free. I did, and have not looked back.

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

In the 16 years that have passed since I left an abusive relationship I have thought on many occasions it was like being in a cult. So I’ve been doing some research on cults and what causes people to join them and came across this paper written by Fanita English, M.S.W. In it she makes a compelling argument about the type of person who is attracted to cults (battered in an abusive relationship) and the the type of person who would be a cult leader (or batterer in an abusive relationship. The entire paper is an interesting read but many parts of it shook me with the truth of recognition, such as this:

persons with thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that lead to the destruction or confinement of body tissue cannot stand awareness because they do not distinguish between feeling and the likelihood of behaving in unacceptable ways.

Anyone who has been abused in a relationship knows exactly what this means. It means the abuser cannot or will not tell the difference between whatever bad thing he thinks will happen and what is actually happening or happened. When I was in such a relationship, the man who abused me would often hit me for merely glancing at another male, let alone speaking to one. He would say it was because I was either flirting with them or secretly having an affair with them. Both were things he feared would happen. He feared it so much it became reality in his head. Very crazy!

But what about me, why would I stay with such a crazy person, how is my craziness explained? Here’s how:

It looks as though there is a higher number of persons who continue to operate, even as grown-ups, with the belief, however illusory, that there is a way for them to bask in a paradise run by a Father or Mother figure. They seek to abdicate from the responsibility of sorting the welter of mutually contradictory attitudes and feelings in themselves and others. There remain the unappeased yearnings to “escape from freedom” as described by Fromm in his book by this name. When such persons are offered the opportunity to be led into a haven of relief from anxiety this looks like an offer they can’t refuse. At last: no more conflict or concern about one’s inability to make difficult decisions.

I think this is very true of my emotional and mental state at the time. I still remember the almost palpable sense of relief I felt at handing over all responsibility for myself to this man. I was a deeply disturbed young woman. You may think, how on earth is living with someone who beats you up a ‘haven’? Like I’ve said before, it didn’t start out that way. But when it got bad, another reason I stayed was because I so enmeshed in it, I was actually more afraid to leave. I felt like being out in the world without him, I would be in even more danger from other people. Is this addressed in the paper? Yes it is:

The sad thing is that once such a system is established, it feeds on itself and diminishes even the physical ability of oppressed members to move out and evaluate themselves or their community from the outside. Boundaries become more and more rigidly set and impermeable. Outside influence or intervention is feared even by those who suffer under the system, because it is the system that defines their reality and chaos looks like the only alternative.

I’ve also talked about how growing up in abuse and craziness had such a negative effect on me and possibly triggered my seeking out an abusive relationship. In her paper English discusses this also:

In childhood these people feel forsaken or overpowered in attempts to experience themselves as freestanding creatures and therefore substitute illusions and fantasies for disappointment.

It is a compelling read. If you are being abused and have been in an abusive relationship reading it may help you understand why you chose to be involved in such a relationship. It is a choice, and you can choose otherwise.

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

My daughter turns 19 in just a few days. I look at the young woman she is now and I am so amazed. She is full of confidence, energy, and joy. She has a zest for living and reaching for her dreams. I think about the young woman I was at 19, and the contrast is both sad and beautiful. Sad because at 19 I felt trapped in an abusive relationship where I feared for my life but was more afraid of the world. Beautiful because at 19 my daughter does not have such fear; she embraces new challenges and is willing to grow as a person daily. She has a belief in herself and her abilities that I, at age 36, and only just now beginning to master. She has a very nice boyfriend, a wonderful and kind young man she has been dating for 2 years. He treats my daughter very well and has a great deal of respect for her.

Domestic violence often spans generations, and this is something that could have continued with my daughter. But it hasn’t. The cycle started with me and ends with me. My daughter chose another way.

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

I had a most unpleasant interaction with a man who beat up his fiancee in the comments of this post. My goal with this blog is to understand why I was a willing participant in a sick relationship that nearly took my life. Not to explain the viewpoint of someone who was willing to kill me, as I tried to stress to this man. Still, I believe that though he is still in deep denial about his responsibility in being abusive, I feel he is genuine in his asking for help. Let me make this clear: If you are an abuser, I cannot help you. You need professional help from a counselor who has training and experience in working with abusers. I do not know why you beat your wife or girlfriend. I do not know what went wrong with you or in your relationship.

The only, and I repeat, ONLY advice I have for abusers is to LEAVE the person or people you are abusing alone and immediately seek out advice and help from a professional trained to deal with your emotional problems. Understand, that is not me. I am not an authority on helping abusive men. I am not even an authority on helping abused women. I am an authority on my life and my experience within an emotionally and physically violent relationship I left in 1992. I feel women who are currently going through what I did may be helped by this blog, and that is why it is public. But ultimately this blog is a way for me to work through residual trauma and issues I have remaining from that experience. I may choose to answer a few questions, but this blog is not an advice column for abusers or abused and I will not be used that way.

Some things for you to consider:
what triggered your abusive feelings?
what did you feel the first time you hit her?
why did you continue to hit her?
how did you rationalize this to yourself?

Read this book Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try to Control You by Patrica Evans. It’s linked on my blog side panel, you can get it from Amazon or check if your local library has it. In the book she explains in detail why some men become abusive.

Also read the FAQS on her site for abuse, it may shed some light on your behavior for you:

http://www.verbalabuse.com/faq.shtml

If you are an abuser I think you would do well to get some therapy for your emotional problems so that you don’t repeat this behavior in a future relationship. You don’t have to act out your problems on other people; you don’t have to be crazy. You have a choice. Therapy really helped me to understand why I sought out abusive situations. It might really help you to understand why you seek to abuse. In the United States some cities offer support groups and free or low-cost counseling for abusers that are available on a volunteer basis. By that I mean you can voluntarily sign up; you don’t have to be ordered to by a court or admit to abusing anyone in order to get these services.

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

When I think back on the abusive relationship I was in, I wonder at how addicted we were to the sickness that permeated out relationship. I often claimed to fear him and hate him and want to get away from him. He often claimed to hate me and want to kill me; it was like I was a roach he wanted to stomp flat. Yet and still when others suggested that we separate and leave each other alone we each responded as if they were crazy and wanted to tear us apart; we would become hysterical and melodramatic about how ‘in love’ we were and how we couldn’t live without the other.

Why?

We were toxic together, and so emotionally ill neither of us could see it. I know I couldn’t see it. I felt I had no responsibility at all for the relationship. If I thought about it at all I felt I was a helpless victim. When the violence got bad enough to break through the fog I was living in I felt so passive and helpless, it was like, What’s the point of leaving? He’s just going to follow me and kill me and our daughter. If I stay, I am keeping her safe. You may wonder how I could have thought I was keeping her safe given that this man did things like hold me upside down hanging outside a window from three flights up and tying me and threatening me with a hatchet in front of her. In my head he was like an act of nature; a hurricane, or flood or earthquake that would do much worse if I dared to leave.

Then there were the ‘good’ times of non-violence. One day he’d be knocking me down and the next we’d cook a nice meal together and laugh and joke like a normal couple. Crazy! At times like these I convinced myself that we could make it work and that he was finally done with being abusive. Sometimes during a period such as this he would be in an expansive mood and allow me to use the phone or go see my family or friends. I would call them up or go see them and wonder why all they ever wanted to talk about was me leaving him. I would tell them he had changed, everything was all right now. And at the time I sincerely believed it.

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

I remember one time the abusive man I was involved with told me he hated me in front of one of my friends and I actually laughed it off like it was a joke. I was so surprised at how shocked she was, like doesn’t every one’s boyfriend say they hate them sometimes? That’s how used I was to being mistreated.

In addition to telling me he hated me he also routinely told me he was going to kill me. Sometimes once a month. Sometimes once a week. Toward the end it was nearly every day. Sometimes he said it like other people say Good Morning, like just a greeting to start the day. Other times it was in response to something ‘bad’ I did, from ironing his shirts wrong to being a few minutes late from work. Or even looking out the window while driving in the car. Whenever I threatened to leave he would say it almost desperately, as if he would have no choice but to kill me if I left him.

It sounds bizarre I know, because it was bizarre. But somehow I convinced myself that he was just kidding around, that he didn’t mean he would really kill me, for any reason. Even though he told me all the time that he hated me and wished I was dead and that he would kill me. How is that a joke, how is that in any way funny or something any sane person can excuse? Why was my self-esteem so low, that I was willing to accept this or even willing to call this love? And why was his, why did he not see that repeatedly threatening to kill someone is not normal or sane? What was wrong with us, why were we so sick in the head?

It took several assaults on my life for me to get it through my thick skull and understand that he was dead serious about hating me and wishing to kill me even while claiming to love me and want to be with me. But long before he began to assault me, he gave me warning. I chose not to believe in his craziness and hatred of me, I chose to stay involved with and participate in this violent, sick relationship and put myself and my daughter through a lot of unnecessary pain and misery.

When someone says they hate you and want to kill you, believe them and walk, no, RUN away from them.

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

A frequent email I get is a question from a woman asking me how to leave an abusive relationship while causing minimal havoc or drama for the child or children involved. I am always stunned and surprised by this question, because living in the situation is already causing extreme damage and havoc to the children, right, but then I remember how I felt when I was living like this. At one time I honestly felt it would wreck my daughter’s life to have her parents live apart…more so than seeing me spit on, knocked down, slapped, pushed around, sat on, kicked, etc. Yes, she saw him do all that, and more.

If you are in this situation I don’t want to discourage you from emailing me but I am not sure what to tell you, I’m so sorry. I can tell you how I left, you can read it on the blog, but that may not be what’s least dramatic for you. Please consider that keeping your child in an abusive situation because of the potential drama of leaving is setting up the very drama you wish to avoid. An abusive family life is never good for a child. Control and abuse is never good for a child to witness. Leaving is going to be dramatic no matter how you do it but it will create a better life for your child, so don’t worry about the drama of leaving because that is just temporary.

One thing you can do to cut down on the drama is to make sure you have important documents like birth certificates and stuff so that you have no reason or excuse to go back for anything. If you do forget something or have to leave something, then just forget it. Going back will only suck you back into the relationship. Remember important documents can be replaced. Another thing you can do is seek shelter from people who are prepared to help and protect you. Running to a relative’s or friend’s house may put them on the spot and it may put their lives in danger as they may not be in a situation to protect you and your children. A battered women’s shelter may be your best defense for safe shelter.

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

I read this over at Why Can’t the Past Just Die? a blog on abuse recovery I recently came across:

For those of us who have grown up in families where there was abuse, neglect, alcohol/drug addiction, mental illness or any other circumstances that can create the kind of fear that may distort or prevent our ability to be in touch with who we are and how we feel as individuals, it is likely we will have developed with a lack of understanding into what motivates our behavior within our relationships. This is because the authentic-self is undeveloped or has been cast away in order to play a certain role in the family that is for the family’s benefit. Self-hood is lost and replaced by a shell of a person that is manipulated and who manipulates in turn, engaging in a dance that allows a false sense of order, purpose and identity among the dancers. In reality, the end result is nothing short of chaos, and without a clear understanding of how the Drama Triangle works, attempting to escape the snare may be an almost futile effort.
Read full blog entry

I think it is very interesting and certainly applies to me and my family. I am going to share this with my family in hopes to spark a discussion about why so many of my siblings struggle or struggled with abuse issues and other forms of chaos in our adult lives.

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

This month in honor of Domestic Violence Awareness Month What About Our Daughters is featuring posts from Black men on the subject of DV. Another brave brother has agreed to wade into the fray. This week’s post is courtesy of Gunfighter. Here’s a snippet:

Instead of raw numbers, I am going to talk about DV from a personal viewpoint. You see, I know a wee bit about the subject. I witnessed it as a child.

My dad was a wife-beater.

An early memory for five year old Gunfighter was my father coming home after working the late shift at Hamilton Air Force Base, California, and getting into an argument with my mother. I have no idea what it was all about, but I remember the shouting turning into screams. Screams coming from my mother, punctuated by the fist-on-flesh thwacking sound that no child should ever hear coming from his own mother’s body.

After scooping my older sister from her bed, my mother ran into the bedroom that I shared with my brother, herded us into our car and drove off into the night. We drove around for a few hours, finally parking on the side of the road, somewhere in Marin County. I am certain that sometime that night, I must have slept, but I remember being awake, as the new day was dawning, and seeing my mother just staring blankly out the window.

It was 1968, my mother was 29 years old… and she had nowhere to go.

I’ll bet you know what we did next.

If you guessed “you-waited-until-your-dad-went-to-work-and-then-you-went-back-home”, you’re right, now, go get yourself a cookie.

My life changed that night. That night put me on the road that I travel today… the road that leads to responsible fatherhood. The road that leads to marital respect, the road that leads to being a true man. Yes, a true man.

That beating wasn’t the only one my mother ever got from my father… but it was the worst, and the last. By the summer of 1969, my mother had divorced my father, and we moved to New Jersey to live with my Grandmother.
Read the full essay

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

What do you do?

I have a sister who is involved with an abusive man. I am so hurt over this. It’s one thing to talk about what happened to me, I’m re-hashing it over the distance of 15 years. It’s all fine and dandy to post advice on the blog and via email to strangers that ask me questions. It’s another thing when it’s your family.

I love my sister but I am unable to watch her self-destruction. She is so talented and smart and beautiful…whatever good you think about me, know that my sister is ten times that. She is a gem of a person and this man uses her and treats her like some plastic bauble you get out of a gum machine and throw away. Why doesn’t she feel that she is worth so much more than that? Why doesn’t she understand that there are men in the world who will treat her with respect, speak to her with kindness, and never threaten her or mistreat her? Why doesn’t she see this?

Why didn’t I?

When is this ever going to stop for my family? It wasn’t just me who experienced this and it’s not just her. We have an older sister who was married to a physically abusive man for nearly 20 years, an aunt who divorced her husband because he was an alcoholic who beat her frequently, and several cousins on both sides of our family who have experienced verbal and physical relationship abuse in varying degrees. What happened with the women in my family? Why does this keep happening? My sister can be and do anything she wants, but she is choosing to go through the same pain and drama she saw her older sisters and other women in her family go through. I feel grief and guilt for my part in modeling this kind of relationship to her. I know that I did not cause her to choose this but I do know that as her older sister she looked up to me and learned from me.

Know that when you choose to be abused, younger people close to you are watching you and seeing how you live your life. You never know how what you decide to put up with in a relationship affects the people who love you. Please choose to model healthy, vibrant, and loving relationships without fear and abuse to your daughters, sisters, and other young girls coming up in your family.

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

Johanna Orozco is a young woman who was raped and then shot in the face by a former abusive boyfriend.

She is 18-years-old.

She survived being shot but the lower half of her face is destroyed. The Plain Dealer has been doing a series of stories about this young woman and what happened to her, including the first of her many surgeries and the trial of the attacker. I have been following these stories with much interest because as you may know, I was in an abusive relationship when I was Johanna’s age. I was threatened with being shot, stabbed, buried alive, hung, axed, and more.

This could have happened to me. This could have been me.

You can read Johanna’s story on the Plain Dealer website here:
http://www.cleveland.com/johanna

I feel I should warn you, it includes some graphic photos of her face, surgery, and recovery. But there are some wonderful photos that show how this incredible young lady has not let this destroy her. I was as proud of her graduating high school this past June as I was of my own daughter. And if you ever feel jaded and cynical about today’s teens, view the pics of her prom. Her classmates visited her in the hospital, helped her stay caught up on school work, encouraged her to go to prom and elected her prom queen!

Her story will inspire you…if you are involved in a relationship like this, I hope it inspires you to get help and to LEAVE. Especially if your relationship is not at the level of rape and extreme physical violence. It never gets any better, it only gets worse so if you are being ‘just a little’ abused, get out now. If you are not being abused or have left an abusive situation, I hope her story inspires you to appreciate your life and all that you have. This girl is moving forward with grace, dignity, and happiness. So can you.

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

It is hard for me to understand how/why I was in this sort of relationship. But when I was in an abusive relationship, I had a totally different spin on things. I can’t describe it other to say that it is like being brainwashed or hypnotized or something, like being in a cult, but if you’ve never had the misfortune of being in that sort of situation you still wouldn’t know what it feels like or understand it. Depending on your age you may remember the Jonestown tragedy, and like most you probably wonder how so many people were coerced into murdering children and then killing themselves. When they first gave up control of themselves and their lives to the cult leader they began the process that ended with their deaths.

Being with an abusive person is just like that. They don’t start out trying to kill you or kicking you down the stairs or spitting in your face…it’s a mind-control process that starts like a snowball rolling down hill, starting with just a little and then picking up more and more steam until you look up and you’re smashed by an avalanche.

I guess that’s all I have to say about it right now. I do wish that more women felt empowered enough to take control of the situation…but when you’re in it you feel like such a victim, so powerless.

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

I wish I were a strong woman, but I am not. I don’t think I have the inner strength and mental stability that most women have. Part of the reason I stayed with the man who abused me was because I was not strong. I was so afraid of the world, of making decisions, of trying, of being responsible for myself and my actions. Since he controlled everything I did, then nothing that went wrong was my fault, you see? In a way it was a relief, to hand over control of my life to this man. I don’t know if it was because of all the stuff prior to him that happened to me, I don’t know if it was just because I was too young to be involved in an intense sexual relationship, or what, but when it was happening at first I felt a tremendous sense of relief at having found someone who would buffer me and protect me from the world. As long as I did what he said everything would be ok and I’d be safe…some where along the line I realized that no matter what I did he would find an excuse to hit me. But before that happened, I tried so hard! to do everything exactly the way he wanted me to.

I still struggle with feelings of weakness and inadequacy but I know now that I don’t have to be strong to be an adult, that the way I feel sometimes is normal. Everyone gets scared and feels overwhelmed by all that having adult responsibilities entails. And part of being an adult means being resilient, being able to move on.

You don’t have to be strong to leave. You can do this! I know it is hard and can seem so very overwhelming. But you can do it, even when you don’t feel strong. You don’t need strength to do this, truthfully if I had waited to be strong I would probably still be stuck. You just need to make an action plan and follow it through. Just put one foot in front of the other.

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

I wore my broken heart like a badge

This was how I used to be. I was such a martyr. It was like I thought people would like me better or think better of me the more I suffered or something. I really got a lot emotionally out of having people pity me or feel sorry for me. That is so sad.

All it takes is a decision to move forward. It also takes a decision to choose to think differently about yourself and require more of yourself. That’s the hard part. I had to ask myself why I wanted to be pitied; why did I want to be pitiful? I had to require of myself to want more for and from myself. This made me totally look at myself differently and in a sense become a new person. It was hard, and painful, but the new person under the old scab of Mercury was fresh, clean, and wonderful person. Not some broken pitiful creature with no self-esteem and no future.

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

I am getting my story out in bits and pieces…truthfully it is very hard to re-visit the mental state I was in at the time but I am finding it therapeutic.

I left after a ‘minor’ beating, meaning no skin breaking/bleeding,and no kicking. He ‘just’ pushed me into a wall, smacked me really hard several times and knocked me down. This was in response to him coming home and finding me on the phone. He had recently stopped taking the phone with him when he left and allowed me to use the phone again, so I thought it was ok to use the phone when he was gone. I was wrong in that belief and I paid for it that day.

I say this was a minor beating because prior to this much worse had occurred. I had been thrown down a flight of stairs and lost a baby, I had my head banged on the sidewalk leaving me with multiple fractures to my skull, and I had been held hostage, duct-taped, and threatened with a hatchet in front of our child. So why was the ‘minor’ beating the trigger for me to leave? One reason is it was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.

A bigger reason was my daughter I-bop’s response. Usually after he beat me he would storm out. I would cry and she, age 3 at the time, would rush to console me, hugging me and patting my face. I lived for those moments of kind touch from someone and felt my daughter was the only person who cared for me in the world. This time she looked at me sobbing and shook her head, and turned away. She actually turned her back on me, hunched her shoulders, and started playing with her toys. Her whole body language conveyed, You are a sorry woman and you get no more pity from me. It was like being doused with cold water. I saw clearly for the first time how it all was negatively affecting her. The hunched shoulders were a clear sign because that was how she was whenever he was around; all hunched over and afraid. It occurred to me that my child was also afraid of…me. and I understood why she would be, because she saw, at 3 years old, that she couldn’t depend on me or trust me to keep her safe. She saw that I couldn’t even keep my own self safe. I saw clearly for the first time that my child deserved better. My child deserved a chance.

More later…

Ok I’m back. I had to take a time out because the feelings overwhelmed me.

I wanted to talk about how to go about escaping an abuser. Professionals will tell you to have a safety plan and to go about it a certain way, because you are more likely to be killed if he catches you trying to leave him than at any other time. I agree with this, because the most severe beatings I got, including being chased down the street and having my head banged repeatedly on the sidewalk, were the result of me trying to escape him. But on the other hand, I felt trapped by all the escape advice because I had no way to follow the advice of the escape plans I was given.

That’s how bad it had gotten, he was almost to the point of keeping me locked in entirely. I had no money, and in my confused thinking no where to go. I had allowed him to isolate me from my friends and family, and I thought no one cared about me at all. So I ditched the idea of biding my time and forming an escape plan, because I thought I didn’t have that kind of time, that he would kill me or beat me so bad the next time I’d be disabled (the minor beatings were always followed by a short lull where he would be kind then a severe beating). So I made a decision to throw caution to the wind and just leave. I decided to go to my parents home and if they turned me away (I actually thought due to his brainwashing that my parents no longer loved me or cared about me), to go to a women’s shelter. I packed a bag of our things and my daughter’s little book bag and told her we were leaving. I told her we were going to go live at grandma and grandpa’s for now. She asked after her dad with a scared look and fear in her voice. I told her it was ok, I would keep her safe. We were going to live at grandma and grandpa’s and never coming back. Her smile lit up the room. She clapped her hands then quieted immediately, looking scared again when I told her he was gone and we’d have to leave right then.

We crept down the stairs hand in hand and out the back door. I didn’t even know if he was still in the house but I was fairly sure he had left. Even still, I was more frightened than I had ever been in my life. What if he came back right at that moment? What if he hadn’t left and was in another part of the house? We were silent, so silent we made not a sound as we crept down the stairs. Once we got outside I picked up my daughter and ran like the wind down the street. I heard a rumble that in my confusion sounded like thunder. My daughter said Mama, the bus! I looked behind me and there was a bus coming. I quickened my steps to the bus stop. The bus stopped and we got on. I stood at the meter silent, because I remembered I had no money. I felt very scared that the bus driver would not believe me and turn us away. I have no idea what my face looked like but I was crying and obviously distraught. everyone on the bus got quiet and stared at me. The bus driver asked me, Are you ok? My mouth moved and I tried to speak but I couldn’t get any words out. My daughter cried out We’re running from my daddy he’s gonna kill my mommy! Hurry, We need to go to grandma and grandpa’s house! Please hurry! The bus driver was silent for a moment then said Miss, please sit down.

I sat down and covered my face. Someone, I will never know who,
walked up the aisle, pressed my shoulder, and said It will be ok. Then they paid our fare and got off the bus. The bus started up. As it rumbled down the street I felt the barest glimmer of hope that we would actually get away. We would survive.

Resources that might help you plan your escape:

How to Escape Domestic Violence
Escape to Safety Before The Physical Abuse Starts
The Greatest Escape: Special for Victims of Domestic Violence
What You May Need to Escape

Recommended things to have prior to leaving:

Medical records
Address book
Insurance policies
Birth Certificates
Kids school and immunization records
ATM, and Credit Cards
Social Security Card
Passport or Green Card
Lease
Eye Glasses and Medications
Baby books and negatives of photos
Irreplaceable items, family heirlooms
Auto title and registration
Evidence of past abuse – police reports – restraining orders

I had none of these things, it was all replaceable. Except for my daughter’s baby pictures…the only thing I miss are photos. But that’s ok because we built a lifetime of photos of her life after we left. had we stayed or went back for those photos, I truly believe we’d be dead.

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

When I think about being with somebody who abused me I wonder why I stayed. There are many reasons why, so many I need to break them up into separate posts. Here’s one reason: I stayed because I had extremely low self-esteem and believed everything bad he said about me before he even said it. So when he said something nasty about me, it was like a confirmation. Isn’t that sad? I already thought I was ugly, so when he told me I was ugly he was just verifying something I believed about myself. I already thought I was stupid, so when he told me I was stupid he was just verifying something I believed about myself. I already thought I was worthless, so when he told me I was worthless he was just verifying something I believed about myself. You see? For someone who has good self esteem and a positive self image, insults like that would be like a slap to the face and they would immediately tell someone who said this to them it was wrong and unacceptable. But for women like I used to be, when someone insults you like this…it just confirms everything you feel about yourself deep down inside.

I read this book call The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz. One of the things he wrote in it was: Nobody abuses us more than we abuse ourselves. If someone abuses you a little less than you abuse yourself, you will stay with that person. If someone abuses you more than you abuse yourself, you will walk away from that person. I think this is very true. It’s painful to understand that I was, on some level, a willing participant in the abuse I experienced in that relationship, but it’s something I need to acknowledge in order to fully heal and move forward.

If you are being abused, you need to ask yourself why you stay. Why you are a willing participant in a crazy, sick, and potentially lethal relationship.

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

I am tired of feeling haunted by this experience. I’m tired of the flashbacks and the quiet uneasy feeling of never feeling safe. I started sleep with a knife under my pillow again, and I begged my husband to keep a gun in the house. I don’t even ‘like’ guns but there it is.

When I left this man I told myself I would never be willingly victimized by him again, that I would try my best to fight back. He told me over and over and over again that if I left him he would find me and kill me. He told me that there was no where on this earth I could go where he couldn’t find me and kill me. This man hated me then and probably hates me now, and assured me many times that he wanted nothing more than to destroy me.

After telling me how he would kill me if I left, he would often turn cheerful.

As if what he said was some big declaration of love, and not insanity.

I have built a happy life in the 15 years since I left. For a couple of years after I left him I lived in watchful fear, then I felt like if he’s gonna get me, he’s gonna get me. I can at least try to live a happy life. I slowly built up my self esteem. I got therapy. I volunteered at a women’s shelter. I dated again, and eventually met my husband. I went to college and started writing.

Everything seemed ok. But last year I had women friends and family involved in violent relationships. I had to tell them I couldn’t support their decision to stay as I could not involve myself in such craziness. It triggered a lot of bad memories for me…demons I thought I’d long exorcised.

I am considering getting counseling for this again. It is my hope that finally writing my story will help ease my mind. I’ve only told bits and pieces. But I need to understand why this happened to me and get closure on it. Some things are unspeakable but I will try to write what I can.

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

It was December 1989 and cold. We were on the highway driving back from somewhere in his old rusty car when the car started making noises. He pulled over and the car rattled to a stop. He got out and started messing around under the hood. Then he came back to the car and told me we needed to walk to the next exit and get anti-freeze or something like that. I told him I wanted to wait in the car with the baby as the car would still at least turn on and emit heat.

He said No, come on, it’s just a few minutes. So we’re walking and walking down the highway, I’m holding our daughter who at the time was 6 months old, when I realized where we were and just how far the next exit was. I stopped and told him I wanted to go back and wait in the car. He told me No, come on. I repeat myself, he repeats himself. He does not seem especially mad, just kinda tired and slightly annoyed.

Then out of nowhere he pushes me down. As I fell I clutched my daughter and tried to roll so my body would cushion her from harm. I landed on my backside with my feet sticking in the air. I was so shocked. I didn’t quite understand what had happened. I looked up at him with what must have been a shocked and quizzical look, because he said That’s right, I knocked you down. Now you’re going to listen to me. He pulled me up and started yelling in my face. I panicked, and with a common sense that was later to leave me for a couple of years, took off up the hill on the side of the highway. He stood at the bottom yelling for me to come down, then slowly started climbing after me. I kept backing up, still holding my baby.

I remember looking at all the cars whizzing by and wondering why no one stopped to help me. He caught up with me and I gave up. He dragged me down the hill and marched me down the road. Suddenly there were bright lights flashing behind us…it was a cop. Someone had called in that they saw us on the side of of the highway; they saw him push me and were concerned.

The cop asked us what happened. I didn’t say anything. Then he asked me if I was ok and if I wanted a ride home or to call my parents. I said no. He looked at me for a long time, then snapped his walkie down into the holder. He told us Wait right here and went back to his car. My then-boyfriend looked at me and mouthed the words Thank You. I felt relieved and knew he wouldn’t be mad at me anymore. It was like I totally forgot all about being pushed down while holding the baby, and totally forgot my terror in trying to get away from him on that hill.

That was the first time he pushed me. There were many more pushes to come.

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!