It’s been 3 days since I’ve been in direct sun, and my negligence in managing my winter depression showed itself today. I have been in a funky, despondent mood all day long. No, it started yesterday at work when I watched through the windows the snow falling all. day. long. Then worsened as I got in my car after my shift ended and realized I did not have my scraper. So I had to scrape the ice off my windows with a CD. It took about 15 minutes for my car to warm up, get de-frosted, get de-scraped, then I had to inch out of the parking lot because bigboxcorp which makes an eternity of money is too cheap to buy salt and/or hire someone to plow the parking lot. Then it got even worse as I crept down the hill and realized I was near out of gas…because I didn’t want to get out of my car all week to fill up. I knew I shouldn’t, but the thought of getting gas was just too much to bear, and I decided to risk it home.

WHY did I do that. I made it home ok, but the ride was sheer terror worsened by the fear I’d run out of gas. The highway had been plowed, but it had been snowing all day. The roads were so bad I couldn’t see the lines. Then it started snowing even harder…I slowed to a crawl. A few cars went by me, not going much faster. That made me feel better that everyone was driving so safe. Then a car slid off the road right in front of me. Oh my word, I was so frightened. The driver popped right out and someone stopped to help, but still it was a very shocking thing to see. A few miles down the road, I see a few other cars spun out, two of them crashed together. I was in tears, I just knew I’d be next because my car would stop because I’d run out of gas and then bam! I’d slide off the road trying to steer it to the shoulder or someone would hit me from behind if it stopped cold turkey.

I calmed myself down because I couldn’t see through the tears and the snow, and thank god I made it home ok. I raged at Mercury Man for causing me to live here (do NOT get me started on how he went back on his promise to move to Cali back in ’00). He just listened, looking alternatively guilty and bored. Then he just hugged me, and went back to watching some game. I was so angry at him! I still feel bitter, and have been mean and/or whiny toward him all day. I’ll give him credit for being patient with me about it, but that’s the least he could do since he refuses to move.

I thought I’d feel better this morning but did not. I awoke to the sound of two city workers in front of the house loudly talking, their snow plow had broken. What! I lay there wondering about snow that can break snow plows, then pulled the covers over my head. Later got up, realized we could not even get out of the driveway. Ugh. I had work to do today too.

I know what to do to handle this, I know what the problem is. I need sun, and though we were stuck car-wise I could still walk. But at the thought of going outside I got so scared I broke out in a full sweat. This is not a good sign…it is much too early in the season for me to get the winter horrors like this. I just could not face going out in all that icy muck. But I know it’s lack of sun that has me spiraling, and to break out of this cycle I have to get some direct sun. Last season winter depression barely touched me because I went out and walked every day, at least 30 minutes a day.

I was making random moaning and groaning noises all day, which at first amused the kids but as the day wore on they started getting worried. T-bop asked me, why does the weather make you feel bad? I tried to describe to him how it made me feel pressed flat to the floor, how it made me have a feeling of doom and gloom in my heart. It feels like Jack Frost is trying to kill me. He sat and talked with me for a while, I-bop offered to make me cocoa, and S-bop hummed me the tune of a song I wrote but could not remember. My babies helped me so much today.

Tomorrow is another day. I will try again. Jack Frost will be my friend.

This post written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

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