My father is so cool. My folks are more than 20 years apart in age, so he was an old man dad back in the 70s long before it was popular. Now you see old dads all the time but back then, he really stood out among all the 20something and 30something fathers. Still, he would take us to the park and stuff. My siblings and I started calling him ‘the old man from the sea’.

My dad taught me to think for myself. He taught me to be confident in myself. At dinner my parents required that everyone had to take part in the conversation, and when one child was speaking everyone had to listen and no one was allowed to laugh and make fun. This was a big deal for me because I was a very shy child and my older siblings were very clever and witty, and all had a sharp acerbic humor. My dad would put forth a topic for discussion and ask our opinions, and when it was my turn to talk I would get flustered sometimes…all my brothers and sisters looking at me! but my dad would gently say, it’s ok, Trula, tell us what you think. That helped me in so many ways and truly enabled me as a shy person to put myself out there I the world. It’s something I do with my own kids today.

My dad taught me what to expect from men in the world. I did go through one abusive relationship and a few silly ones, but ultimately I refused to settle for less than what I deserved from a man because I knew from my parents marriage what was proper and good. I knew from my dad that all men aren’t cheating dogs, all men aren’t abusive, and all men don’t walk away from their children. My dad took care of all his kids, so I knew better than to settle for a man who wouldn’t.

My dad taught me the meaning of having personal standards. He insisted upon living in a clean home, and when my mother refused to clean up he would, despite his sexist belief that women should do the housecleaning, clean up and get everything all organized when the house got too nasty. He would tell us, you’ve got to set standards for how you are going to live your life. One of my standards is that I won’t live in filth.

My dad has shown me by example that people are capable of great personal change even at advanced ages. He has changed his views on meat-eating, smoking, spanking, and has even read and Alice Walker novel or two. He has changed his traditional views on women, something I never thought would happen. He is my friend now as well as my dad.

My dad has had such a great impact on my life. If he had not been in my life I would not be the woman that I am today. He has been a rock for all the grandchildren, my parents have helped raise all the grand kids at some point or another. He is very active in helping us raise our kids, my husband and I rely on his advice and wisdom. I am so thrilled that my kids have such a great relationship with my dad because I didn’t know either of my grandfathers.He often writes to my children and signs the letters ‘from Grandpa B, the old man from the sea’. My kids just love that so, and so do I.

Often when I talk to other women involved in ‘progressive’ circles and politics I am struck by how they dismiss the importance of fathers. In particular with women who have sons, I wonder if they realize how their perception of men and fathers will affect how their own sons live as grown men and fathers to their own children. You can be a womanist/feminist and still recognize that children need their fathers. The two are not mutually exclusive beliefs.

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Seed & Flame!

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